Are you wondering what Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is
and if you should take the risk to try it?

One brave couple shared their journey so you can be helped and find Secure Attachment and Safe Haven Connection just like they did! Here is their story in their words:

The story of us surviving the negative cycle.

The negative cycle. It has a way of pulling you down and many things you love down with it. It’s destructive, it’s fear based, it’s dark, it’s hard, it’s isolating, and it’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to be aware of the triggers and what takes us to that place, and to utilize strategies to get out of it. How did we get into the negative cycle? For both of us, it was years of isolation, wounding, and trying to find ways to cope. For (Husband), early exposure to sexual brokenness paired with curiosity without safe connection led to triggers that led to negative cycles that caused destructive behaviors. Wounds that were opened included feelings of “I’m not good enough”, rejection, a deep sense of loneliness and that “I didn’t matter.” These triggers and lack of safe connections growing up led me to believe no one was safe and that no one would love me for who I truly was at my core. I had to pretend, be happy, be perfect. I had feelings and emotions that would come up that I didn’t know what they were and I certainly did not know what to do with them. That led to the choice to cope with the pain in unhealthy ways. I learned I have an avoidant attachment style meaning growing up I lacked people who went into the hard, the good, or any of that with me. For (Wife), early exposure to feeling responsible for everyone and their happiness led to intense feelings of perfectionism, peace keeping, putting up walls, and coping individually. It felt like the safe option because if I let someone in, there was the chance they could hurt me worse than if I just dealt with it on my own. It led to years of feeling alone, unworthy, and responsible. This carried into our relationship in feeling responsible for (Husband’s) destructive behaviors and feeling that I wasn’t good enough. I feared the unknown. I feared becoming my parent’s story. I feared being a burden. I learned I have anxious attachment style meaning growing up I got glimpses of soothing but it was unpredictable therefore my guard was always up even though I so desperately wanted to let it down. Unprocessed pain for both of us caused ripples under the surface. Our dance developed of (Wife) pursuing, (Husband) withdrawing, then flipping to (Husband) pursing and (Wife) withdrawing. With great counsel, we began to learn how to undo our negative cycle and to change our dance moves. We began to build safety through vulnerability, truth telling, and utilizing body language; we did this by listening “below our chins” to our bodies and leaning into what came up. It was hard and rewarding work we began doing. The ripples of pain were beginning to turn into a boat of safety. A boat that is big enough to hold both of us, both of our emotions, both of our fears, both of our pain, and both of our healing. We began growing safety in each other, trusting each other more with our emotions, becoming more and more vulnerable through true authentic connection and speech to each other. And through that intense vulnerability and honesty there was healing. Because it was messy – not perfect. It was honest – not hiding. It was a range of emotions – not just happy. The path was not and is not linear. We learned it was not about getting to a goal of the perfect relationship. It’s about making room for all the feelings and fears that come up and authentically bringing them to our safe partner – each other. It’s about identifying being upset with the negative cycle, not each other and slowing down to come back to each other to not get stuck in the cycle. Attunement means making the target easy for the other person to hit by sending a clear signal of our needs, and being there to meet each other’s needs. Meeting a need for our partner is a gift. We learned that we are each other’s greatest gift when we are able to step into our true authentic selves; this is the person God created us to be. We learned that there was true power in knowing that we both were in pain and that we both hate the negative cycle. We are no longer alone. We have each other, and we have strengthened safe outlets in our circles to further build community and accountability. We worked to earn secure attachment, and that is where we want to live from here on out. Secure attachment to us means full authenticity, full safety, feeling known and seen, and making our needs known to our partner. It means operating co-dependently. [EFT talks of inter-dependence.] No more withdrawing, no more hiding. It means “eating at the 5-Star restaurant, not the dumpster.” We choose to bring the fear to each other to take away its power. We choose to listen below our chins, communicate, and bring it to our safe person without the “pretty wrapped up bow.” We choose to trust that our partner will help guide us and calm our fears through honesty. We choose to break the cycle, together.

Elevator pitch of how we’d relay our story to others

We got trapped in a negative cycle of destructive behaviors and fear. There was a lot of hiding the feelings underneath because the feelings were new at times and we didn’t have a clear idea of where to go with the feelings. We didn’t know what safety felt like and so we let fear run the relationship, but made sure it looked “perfect” on the outside. We were the couple that everyone said “I want to be just like you guys” or “you’re perfect for each other.” But we had work to do. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy and Dr. Elisa’s safe, calm, skillful, attentive, and real guidance without judgement, we were able to work through the steps of our negative cycle. She guided us with grace and compassion, helping us put in “the reps” week after week to build safety in our relationship. She continued to guide us back to each other, which empowered us to lean into the process, even in the midst of our pain. We learned how to tap into our body and emotions, how to share our emotions vulnerably without judgement, and how to better attune to each other’s needs. We stopped making the other person guess what our needs were, and we communicated them clearly. We stopped blaming the other person and started looking within. Dr. Elisa taught us how to switch to using vulnerability statements instead of questions to help bring the walls down. And through it all, we continued to choose each other every day. Our relationship was restored and found healing. Our spiritual, physical and emotional intimacy grew beyond what we could imagine. We are not perfect, and that is no longer our goal. We are real people, with real emotions, and real fears. The difference now is that we have built a safe place to bring them to each other vulnerably and are able to hold those feelings together. Dr. Elisa, and the EFT method for couples, comes highly recommended by both of us!